I’m devastated. When I say it came out of nowhere, I truly mean it. We had been going steady for eight months, though we’d dated previously in the past and have always had feelings for each other (about three years). When he came back this time, I made him earn my trust back, and he was adamant that he did so correctly. I opened up to him, I let him in, even after everything that occurred between us because I believed in him and trusted him. He convinced me to trust him.
He goes to school in our hometown, and I went to music school about 4 hours away. He stayed busy with work and school, so we never spoke as much as I hoped, but I never made a huge fuss about it. I came back to celebrate our (official) six-month anniversary in the fall, and I was amazed by how much he doted on me. He let me come to his college classes (since technically it was over a 4-day break), and we spent almost every day together. He took me out to dinner on our anniversary, a really expensive place. On our last night together, after eating out (he got excited that I sat next to him instead of across from him), he said he wished he could stop time so that we could stay together. It made me feel so loved and valued and special.
Christmas break was a bit different. I was dealing with a personal issue at the time and got distant, but I was also waiting for him to ask to hang out. He doesn’t normally plan stuff, but I wanted to see how long it’d take him to recognize that I was waiting on him. It took abt two weeks. We went ice skating the day after Christmas, and then, after waiting eight months, I finally decided I was ready to have sex. It was my first time, and I told him I wanted to wait until I was secure and happy and knew that he was the one. It was something I had reiterated multiple times to him.
Fast forward a week, it’s January. He takes me snowboarding. We went twice together – once teaching me the basics, and then another date where we snowboarded together and then went to a waterpark. In the hot tub, he held me, and we played in the water. I felt treasured, and I was so happy. It was an amazing night. The next day, the day before our anniversary, he asked if I wanted to go shopping with him. Of course, I said yes. We met at Starbucks, and he bought my drink (he’s typically very stingy, so this was a nice surprise. Plus, I don’t like to make him pay for anything). We sat down and had a great conversation. And then, when we got in his car to “go shopping”, he dumped me.
It was surreal. He said that he wasn’t in love with me – HADN’T been in love with me since the FIFTH WEEK of college. Wouldn’t look at me in the eyes as he spoke, wouldn’t let me touch him when I reached for him. We had an hour-long conversation that ended with me leaving his car and collapsing with sobs in the Starbucks parking lot. I was supposed to go to a mutual friend’s party, but instead I tried to get run over by a car. He went instead, and acted like nothing was wrong. The next day, I was so distraught that I walked to his house, just desperate to see him, and he was like a different person. Apathetic and unfeeling, like I truly had meant nothing all along. I tried to text him, but it was the same over text. That, after eight months, I could somehow still love him after he dumped me in a day. Angry, even, that I kept reaching out. He said awful things – that I was just an experiment to see if he could love, that everyone that isn’t his family is just entertainment, called me dense, and said that he never loved me at all. He blocked me; he won’t speak to me. He took down our prom photos on Instagram. I didn’t eat for four days; food made me physically sick. I still can’t sleep without taking 20mg of melatonin. I have dreams where he holds me and tells me he loves me, I have nightmares where he calls me a bitch, that I’ll never be the one he truly loves. I went back to school and have been trying to keep my mind off it, but no matter where I go, the thought of him follows. Of course, he is completely unaffected.
I truly can’t find any of the joy in my life that was once there. i dont want to sing anymore. None of my roommates know – every time they talk about their partners, I have to sit there and pretend I don’t want to vomit. Intalk to people and inlaugh but inside I feel nothing but heaviness. sadness. I want it to end. everynight I pray that when I fall asleep I never wake up. People say I have my whole life ahead of me, that there are so many fish in the sea, but I KNOW I will never be able to love like that again – not when someone could so easily lie to my face for practically a year and I didn’t realize. I can’t trust anything or anyone, not even the ground beneath my feet. nothing matters anymore.
