The daughter-in-law (DIL) grew up in foster care after being abandoned by her own mother. Because of this, the DIL frequently tries to call Meg “Mom,” despite Meg having asked her to stop and just use her name, “Meg.”
The conflict began when the DIL discovered Meg was planning a trip with only her biological daughter. The DIL called Meg and accused her of being a “liar” and a “fake mother,” saying she felt excluded.
Meg explained that the trip was not for fun, but for private medical reasons concerning her biological daughter, and they were not ready to share the details with the family. The DIL, however, insisted that since she was married to Meg’s son, she was Meg’s daughter, too, and should be included and privy to the private information.
The Emotional Showdown
Angered by the boundary violations and the demand for private medical information, Meg snapped and told the DIL: “I’m not your mom, and I’ll never be your mom!” She then asked the DIL to leave her alone.
Two days later, the DIL showed up at Meg’s house with a small box containing her photo album from foster care. She wanted to “talk like a real mother and daughter” and show Meg her past to make her “understand why she needs me.” The DIL continued to push Meg to promise she would be included in the trip.
Meg again refused, stressing that the trip was not about her. The DIL eventually “stormed out” and later told Meg’s son that Meg had “rejected her heart.”
Meg was left feeling awful for the harsh words she used, but also angry that her DIL continued to ignore boundaries and her daughter’s need for privacy.
Advice from the Article
The article provided advice on how to navigate this situation, highlighting the root causes and necessary boundaries:
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DIL’s Trauma: The DIL’s extreme reaction stems from the “psychological scar” of abandonment and the fear of exclusion due to growing up in foster care. The article notes that while this explains the emotional explosion, it does not excuse the behavior.
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Where the DIL Crossed the Line: The DIL ignored a clear boundary (calling her “Mom”), verbally attacked Meg (“You liar… fake mother”), and demanded private medical information, which overrides the biological daughter’s right to privacy.
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Where Meg Went Too Far: While Meg’s stress was reasonable, the statement “I’ll never be your mom!” was a cruel “psychological gut-punch” to someone whose greatest fear is rejection.
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The Apology: Meg should apologize for the delivery, not the boundary. A clean apology should sound like: “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. That line was harsh, and I regret hurting you. I care about you, and I want a good relationship. But I’m not comfortable being called ‘Mom,’ and I need you to respect that. And my daughter’s medical situation is private.”
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Conclusion: Meg is rejecting a role the DIL is trying to force upon her without consent, and she must prioritize the legitimate boundary over the DIL’s emotional pain.
